That would be mine! I win! I win! What do I win for this great accomplishment? A lifetime of insecurity, headaches, ulcers, and needless stress. Whoop-di-do!!
Here is the lastest and greatest from my Mom:
I know that neither of us brings out the best in each other, but I would really like to see my grandson's progress.
Stephanie, we can't fix anything with hurtful words and anger. And unless you tell me what it is that bothers you so much about our presence in your life, we cannot even begin to heal. I think you know what bothered me about our last visit, so I don't have to rehash it play by play but it left some unresolved issues for us. If you go through life verbally attacking the folks who piss you off, or ignoring the things that need to be addressed, then I am afraid that you will have a lot more stress than you need. The stress is coming from within you yourself and that is why I said we would leave you alone. But I am still your mother and have invested many years in you and your well being. I don't put you down, or verbally beat you up. But this walking on egg shells around you has got to stop.
During our visit we tried to accommodate your wishes and we did not overstep them even when you were being unreasonable, but it was evident that you felt that you needed to be in control of every second we spent with our grandchild and that you needed to portion out those minutes so that we knew you were in charge and you felt that Aiden needed to take 3 naps during the six hours we were there, and had to be on that schedule during our visit. Don't you think it may have been a little unreasonable?
I could see it if we lived close by and were able to see him more often, but we don't live close by. And your treatment of your grandmother? Was that really necessary?
Aiden needs to learn to handle differing circumstances and changing structure. Everyone needs to learn those lessons in life. Many times they come at the hands of family members. The structure and control you want to exercise may in your mind be helping you, but it is hindering Aiden from being able to interact with his relatives so that he cries when he hears loud noises, and sees unfamiliar faces. I know this because I am a mother who raised two children and steered them through life's pitfalls as best as I could under the circumstances. That is nothing to discount or throw away just because you know your own child better than we do. But Aiden is not so unique from other children. He is a child who needs to be loved, coddled, played with and taught life's many lessons. Including tolerating unexpected noise even if it comes as a mistaken phone call at 5:35 am. And you should swallow your anger and look at the intentions of the person who has done something that you find so god-awful unforgivable and respond accordingly.
Chris once told Veronica that he thinks your relationship with me is like Stephen's relationship with his father. If that's the case, then it is that way by your choice. I was not an absent parent during the formative years. There are far more good times to remember than bad, and I wish that you would start focusing on those. Everyone's life has bad experiences - but those are what makes us stronger. If you think that notes like this are bad, then try communicating with me without making me feel like I need to defend myself to you or watch every little thing I say or do because something might offend you. I am who I am. I have not changed too much.
I am still the woman who took care of you when you were sick, went to your dance recitals, drove you and your friends around, had sleepovers for you, took you shopping, taught you to dance, took you to England, New York, and many other places. I raised you with a good foundation and tried to steer you in the right direction for what was best for you.
I will always love you, but right now, I am deeply hurt by the way you have treated me and your family members who have only done the best things we could for you. These are not meant to be hurtful words - they are meant to convey our truest feelings in hopes of a positive outcome if you really look deep inside and put yourselves in our places. We have certainly tried very hard to understand you and your feelings.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
And my response which DH, of all people, thought it was right on. I thought he was going to say I was being mean or whatever. Yay me!
This is not meant to be hurtful but I think you are delusional. Aiden did not take three naps while you were there. He took one and a measly ten minutes on the walk and was trying to go down for his second nap but you didn't want to give him that chance. I'm not going to make special concessions for anyone and that is my choice as his parent. You can accept that or you can blow up at me like you did. But just know that if you choose the second its not going to get you anywhere but where we are now.
I can not show respect for someone who does not respect my choices as a parent. You can say you do but if you truly did you wouldn't have come to me and asked me the same question three times and then yelled at me that I don't know what I'm doing as a parent.
Also, if you ever come into my home again and demand to know who I am speaking to on my own phone like I am some sort of child, you will not be welcome back. I am beyond the age where you can demand anything like that from me and I’m sorry that I need to remind you of that.
I thought for the most part that we were having a nice day until I brought Aiden back from the walk. Now, I admit that I should have come back down and said hello to Grandma, there I did make a bad mistake and I am sorry for hurting her feelings. But I don't apologize for anything else but I do not see anything else wrong.
I think it best if we keep this space between us for now. I will not be responding to further e-mails.
Have a nice night.
Here is the lastest and greatest from my Mom:
I know that neither of us brings out the best in each other, but I would really like to see my grandson's progress.
Stephanie, we can't fix anything with hurtful words and anger. And unless you tell me what it is that bothers you so much about our presence in your life, we cannot even begin to heal. I think you know what bothered me about our last visit, so I don't have to rehash it play by play but it left some unresolved issues for us. If you go through life verbally attacking the folks who piss you off, or ignoring the things that need to be addressed, then I am afraid that you will have a lot more stress than you need. The stress is coming from within you yourself and that is why I said we would leave you alone. But I am still your mother and have invested many years in you and your well being. I don't put you down, or verbally beat you up. But this walking on egg shells around you has got to stop.
During our visit we tried to accommodate your wishes and we did not overstep them even when you were being unreasonable, but it was evident that you felt that you needed to be in control of every second we spent with our grandchild and that you needed to portion out those minutes so that we knew you were in charge and you felt that Aiden needed to take 3 naps during the six hours we were there, and had to be on that schedule during our visit. Don't you think it may have been a little unreasonable?
I could see it if we lived close by and were able to see him more often, but we don't live close by. And your treatment of your grandmother? Was that really necessary?
Aiden needs to learn to handle differing circumstances and changing structure. Everyone needs to learn those lessons in life. Many times they come at the hands of family members. The structure and control you want to exercise may in your mind be helping you, but it is hindering Aiden from being able to interact with his relatives so that he cries when he hears loud noises, and sees unfamiliar faces. I know this because I am a mother who raised two children and steered them through life's pitfalls as best as I could under the circumstances. That is nothing to discount or throw away just because you know your own child better than we do. But Aiden is not so unique from other children. He is a child who needs to be loved, coddled, played with and taught life's many lessons. Including tolerating unexpected noise even if it comes as a mistaken phone call at 5:35 am. And you should swallow your anger and look at the intentions of the person who has done something that you find so god-awful unforgivable and respond accordingly.
Chris once told Veronica that he thinks your relationship with me is like Stephen's relationship with his father. If that's the case, then it is that way by your choice. I was not an absent parent during the formative years. There are far more good times to remember than bad, and I wish that you would start focusing on those. Everyone's life has bad experiences - but those are what makes us stronger. If you think that notes like this are bad, then try communicating with me without making me feel like I need to defend myself to you or watch every little thing I say or do because something might offend you. I am who I am. I have not changed too much.
I am still the woman who took care of you when you were sick, went to your dance recitals, drove you and your friends around, had sleepovers for you, took you shopping, taught you to dance, took you to England, New York, and many other places. I raised you with a good foundation and tried to steer you in the right direction for what was best for you.
I will always love you, but right now, I am deeply hurt by the way you have treated me and your family members who have only done the best things we could for you. These are not meant to be hurtful words - they are meant to convey our truest feelings in hopes of a positive outcome if you really look deep inside and put yourselves in our places. We have certainly tried very hard to understand you and your feelings.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
And my response which DH, of all people, thought it was right on. I thought he was going to say I was being mean or whatever. Yay me!
This is not meant to be hurtful but I think you are delusional. Aiden did not take three naps while you were there. He took one and a measly ten minutes on the walk and was trying to go down for his second nap but you didn't want to give him that chance. I'm not going to make special concessions for anyone and that is my choice as his parent. You can accept that or you can blow up at me like you did. But just know that if you choose the second its not going to get you anywhere but where we are now.
I can not show respect for someone who does not respect my choices as a parent. You can say you do but if you truly did you wouldn't have come to me and asked me the same question three times and then yelled at me that I don't know what I'm doing as a parent.
Also, if you ever come into my home again and demand to know who I am speaking to on my own phone like I am some sort of child, you will not be welcome back. I am beyond the age where you can demand anything like that from me and I’m sorry that I need to remind you of that.
I thought for the most part that we were having a nice day until I brought Aiden back from the walk. Now, I admit that I should have come back down and said hello to Grandma, there I did make a bad mistake and I am sorry for hurting her feelings. But I don't apologize for anything else but I do not see anything else wrong.
I think it best if we keep this space between us for now. I will not be responding to further e-mails.
Have a nice night.
3 Comments:
Wow. Way to go with your email. I think it was right on. She can't keep trying to manipulate you (which is what she's doing). It's not ok. I am glad you're putting your foot down.
I hope you get some peace from all her drama. It's really not fair to you, Aiden, or Chris for her to keep doing this. I think it's great you're setting some boundaries!
Aiden needs to learn to handle differing circumstances and changing structure. OMG! He's like 9 months old! He needs his naps or he'll be cranky! How is this an example of YOU being manipulating? Whatever.
Your email to her was dead on.
I was going to mention the exact thing jamila mentioned. Maybe if he were a preschooler, he could be learning that, but he's just a baby! Good grief.
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