Not a clue

The woman just will never get it. Did my husband mention my SIL anywhere at all in his e-mail to my mother? Nope. And yet she feels the need to go off on a tangent about it in her response, why? Because this is what she does best, she never lets anything go. She thrives on creating and fostering drama. Nothing will ever die with her, including this current argument and all those from the past. Inevitably it will be brought up again and again and again.....

The problems between my stupid SIL and I are something that she and I are working out by ourselves. We don't have our husbands involved in it and we certainly don't need my stupid fucktard mother involved. Yeesh! She really knows how to get me P.O.'d.

Here is her reply:


Thank you Chris for your honest, caring and kind writing. I truly appreciate your writing back to me. In a perfect world, the kind of motherhood you describe would be great and it is certainly something to aspire to. But each person experiences motherhood differently, according to her own life's experiences, heritage, family involvement, etc. As you said, I may not agree with every way my children raise their own children.

It certainly is their right to do so, but when I was there, I was not familiar with all the rules and schedules, etc. so I asked questions, and apparently they were asked many times - although I don't know which question I asked over and over again. We once had a standing joke in the family about how my mother repeated everything exactly three times, and we would laugh to each other when we would watch her do it. I must be getting the repetition trait from her.

There also appears to be a fine line between motherly advice and meddling on my own part. But it was when my own mother was treated so cruelly that I went up and spoke to Stephanie in anger. Up until then, I tried to keep quiet about the things that perhaps I would have done differently. Then things that normally would not have been worth it to bring up, were brought out in anger. I definitely spoke out of turn when I started pointing out the negative things.

You used some pretty good illustrations to make your point. In the recent past, I tried to reason with Stephanie using life's experiences as illustrations because of my own conversations with her. I've noticed from our conversations that there is a tendency to look for the negative in those of us who are family members and again I felt compelled to try to help because of these conversations. Past complaints about Stephen and Veronica, the grandparents, and so on appears to come from not being able to accept the differences and not being able to look at the positive qualities. Whenever I tried to reason on these things, there was always an argument followed by a period of silence manifested by not responding to e-mails or voice-mails. I never meant to treat anyone like a child but perhaps it appeared to that way because no one wants to have another point out that we may be doing something wrong. I wanted to help as I would help my best friend who was perhaps focusing on the negative traits that we all seem to have. I know that there is an underlying tension between Veronica and Stephanie that is not going to be bridged until both of them start focusing on one another's positive traits.

I try to view things more positively like the fact that Veronica loves my son and that Stephen loves his wife and they take care of one another, work together and do nice things for other people. I was so proud of Stephen when he grabbed a baseball bat and went over to your house because Stephanie called and said she heard noises, of course I worried about his safety as well, but he clearly loves his sister. Veronica is always looking for things for Aiden whenever we go shopping and she holds things up and says wouldn't Aiden look cute in this or that. She is hospitable and makes you feel so welcomed in her home. Stephanie is a great cook, something near and dear to my own heart and she has a wonderful sense of humor when she lets it show. She decorates her home nicely and when she feels a need to give gifts, they are well thought out and destined to make the receiver know how thoughtful she is. You are a great husband to my daughter and father to my grandson. You have a wonderful sense of humor and seem to be most tolerant of our family's idiosyncrasies. I just want my children to get along and not be so sensitive to a misstep or poorly chosen word.

Stephanie and Veronica are the same age but come from way different backgrounds and both of them have negative and positive traits. But I love my daughters - [and that is what they both are] - and it hurts to see them at such odds. This is the kind of things that my "mothering" was trying to help fix. I have said how I feel to Veronica in the matter and she has taken my 'motherly advice' with a grain of salt. She speaks up to me when she disagrees with me but never rejects me or makes me feel like I committed the unforgivable sin. She knows that I only want to see my children get along and be happy, as any parent would. I wish that Stephanie would not be so sensitive to suggestions from others regarding Aiden. She can always thank the person for their input but realize that she is still in control and will do what she wants to do. No one is taking that away from her. She will be so much less frustrated if she does this.
We can all improve relationships by focusing on the positive qualities of one another and overlooking the stupid things that we all do.

I love you all, but I am disappointed in the way this whole thing has turned out. But life is a learning experience and the good times and bad times shape us into who we are.

Thank you for the picture of Aiden. He is a beautiful child and I love him dearly. I really wish that someday you will come to our home because having our children visit with us makes us feel more like a family.