Wednesday, November 30, 2005
I think I'm oh so touchy about DH coming home late tonight because I know this weekend is going to be one filled with lonliness.

Friday night: DH is going to a holiday party at his bosses house. I've been to these before and they're very fun. His boss is very cool and his wife is totally fun. The co-workers are great to talk to and everyone drinks and eats and has a great time. DH told me to stop in with the baby but this is just not an appropriate atmosphere and he totally agrees with me but doesn't want me to feel left out. Which, I do. It sucks. I know its one of many small sacrafices that you make when you become a parent, but sometimes I feel like I'm making all the sacrafices.

Anyway, DH tells me that he is "just going to have a few drinks" and then come home. I say Yeah Right! Just don't even bother, I know that if you tell me that you won't be there late you will so just don't make me little empty promises. He agreed with me and said, yeah you're right. I'll be out all night. Fine.

Saturday: DH thoughtfully scheduled a window installation measurement for Saturday mid-morning at the apartment house we own. Yeah, I know its something that is part and parcel with being a landlord. But that means that the only two days that I get a little break with the childcare is now compromised and I get no break.

Sunday: DH and his brother are going to the Patriots game. This means he will leave in the morning and will not be home until late in the evening. I know because we went to the game together before we had the baby, it was so awesome. I'm really glad that he's going, I'm really jealous that he's going and I'm not. At the same time I just want to freaking cry because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday - no break! Again, I love my kid (I feel like I need to keep saying this so no one thinks I am an awful parent - maybe I am) but I NEED A BREAK.

Even though I spend all day with another person at my side literally all but two hours out of the day, I have never felt so very lonely in all my life. I think this is one of the hardest parts about being a stay-at-home Mom.

The same argument over and over
My husband and I keep having this same argument over and over again. He comes home late from work and he does not call. I can't say that he does this everyday, but he does it often enough that it is a real issue for me. I think the thing that really pisses me off the most about it is that when he does finally walk through that door he has no. fucking. clue.

I just want to scream DO YOU HAVE ANY COURTESY?? In my mind I'm thinking oh my god, its 5:30 and he's usually home by 5, what if something happened to him. Then its quarter to six and he's still not home and there has been no phone call.

He feeds the baby his dinner every night at 6. So I ask him to give me a heads up so I know if I need to get the baby his dinner instead. Not to mention that by 5 I just need to be away from the baby. I love him dearly but I think he and I have had enough of being in each others faces by that time of the day. If my husband isn't home on time the baby goes into crank mode. Fun!

Anyway, I feel like I can repeat the same schpeal about courtesy and why didn't you call but it obviously doesn't sink in. He'll be all "I'm sorry, excuse... excuse... excuse." Whatever. I don't want to hear the excuses and the apologies. I just want you to pick up the GD phone and show me some fucking courtesy!

There is no greater sound in the world than the sound of a childs laughter. Especially if that laughter is coming from your own child.

Does it make me a bad mother when all I look forward to sometimes is the moment when my son finally goes down for his naps? If it does than I am the worst there is.

Its not all the time, but its definitely lately. All he does all day is whine.

It is seriously grating on my last nerve. I love him with all my heart. He is just the best person in the whole world as far as I'm concerned. But I can't even take a pee. I walk out of his line of vision for less than a second and he throws a sob fest.

It must be teething. It has to be. Of course that has been the excuse for any of his quirks since he was 4 months old. Its actually starting to really annoy me when some well meaning family member or adult in our life says "oh he must be teething." Yeah, you've been saying that for four months now, when are you gonna give it up already and just maybe chalk it up to him just being a baby, doing what babies do. I know stupid thing to get irritated over, but as you'll see I get irritated over a lot of stupid things.

Weighing in on a weighty subject
I'm fat. Its true. If you took my BMI I would be catagorized at obese. I can come up with a dozen reasons why I'm fat, but really they're all just excuses for the fact that I eat shit and don't exercise.

The smallest I have ever been in my life was a size 5/6. That was also what I consider one of the happiest times of my life (funny how I think that was a great time when there have been so many more wonderful times in my life like getting married and having a baby). But back then I was skinny and that made everything better in my world. I was graduating high school. I had a boyfriend that I totally loved, even though he is probably the biggest world class asshole. How did I get and stay so skinny? I developed an eating disorder of course, how else?

I didn't eat and if I did I threw up. I didn't drink anything but alcohol. I smoked like a fiend. Of course I was skinny. I was also hospitalized several times for dehydration. I can't very well do that kind of diet again, especially not when I'm still nursing my little guy.

What doesn't help? My husband. He is always so ugh. *SIGH* "I'm getting fat." *SIGH* "I need to do something." *SIGH* "I'm so lazy and all I do is lay around." This he says about himself, but of course, crazy me thinks he's really saying this about me. Because I do even less than he does, activity-wise. He bought me this eliptical machine 3 or 4 months ago. I can count on one hand how many times I've used it. Its like this big machine sitting in my bedroom taunting me saying "you suck" "you can't last 5 minutes on me" And its true.

Its a vicious cycle. There is so much pressure everywhere I turn to be skinny. My friends all lost their baby weight by the time they were almost 8 months out. My husband makes me feel immense pressure by reminding me that "weren't we going to start a workout routine everynight after you put the baby to bed." NO! You said we were, I said NOTHING. *SIGH* "What ever happened to our workout routine?" I have an idea, how about you flocking workout and I'll go downstairs and eat a gallon of ice cream!

Weight in high school: 120
Weight before getting pregnant: 160
Weight gained in pregnancy: 60 lbs.
Current weight: 180
Height: 5 foot nothing

Am I really doing this?
Am I really going to start a blog and write down all my thoughts and feelings. I guess so because here I am. I'm not sure if I want to share this with anyone or not. There are so many thoughts inside my head that I'm just a bit scared to tell anyone. I'm afraid they'll look at me like I'm some kind of freak or crazy person.

Lets start with stats:
Name: Stephanie
Nickname: Muffy, Muffster, Muffing
Marital status: Married
Family status: 1 son, born in April of 2005
Job status: Stay-at-home-mom
Emotional status: A complete wreck

Things I want to talk about so I don't forget them: motherhood, marriage and sex, weight, body issues, my family, more specifically my mother, my brother and my freak of a sister in-law, and my friends.

Thats it for now. More to come.