Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Aiden stuff
So two days before his first birthday he decided to drop his second nap of the day. It was a pretty difficult transition. I had to figure out what the right time of day should be for him to nap so that he's not difficult in the mornings and a beast in the evenings. I think we've got it pretty much figured out now. I actually really like this one nap a day thing. We can go places and do more things without worrying about getting him back home in time for his nap. (he was never an out and about/on the go napper)

We were also having major food issues. He didn't want to be fed by us anymore but he wouldn't pick up and feed himself a lot of the foods we offered. It led to alot of difficult meals and tears on both sides. Thanks to Beaner things have settled down remarkably. The advice she gave was to stop fighting with him over it and find other ways to get the fruits and vegetables in him. So now I sneak spinach into his grilled cheese, cut up vegitables really small and add them to homemade meatballs, smear his fruit (pureed) onto toast, or cover them in graham cracker crumbs.

The last issue is weaning. I've been looking forward to weaning for a while now. My goal was to nurse for one year. We made it! I wanted to start weaning very slowly over a couple of months. We started by dropping his nursing after his morning nap. Instead we just gave him a sippy of breastmilk/whole milk mixed together with his lunch. He did beautifully. Then two days later he decided that he didn't want to nurse in the afternoon or before bed. He fought for a couple of days each time - biting, kicking, crying - before I gave up trying. It made me feel really sad and honestly, a little hurt. Now we only nurse once a day, in the morning when he wakes up. I really don't know how much longer that is going to go on for since this morning he bit me pretty good when he was finished. I can't relax at all when he nurses for fear of him biting, which sucks, especially because he's got all 4 front teeth now. I guess its time to let it go. He's got to stop some time. I just struggle with so many emotions - losing this bond/attachment that only we shared, feeling like he doesn't need me as much as he did before, and the hormonal shift which is triggering a mild depression in me.

So that is whats been going on lately, on top of the crap my mother loads on.

I'm not answering my phone anymore
because its almost always my mother calling. I just can't bear to speak with her.

She keeps e-mailing me and every single one of them includes something about how they hope my step-father gets the job up here. I feel so guilty that I am hoping and praying that they don't. I really want to tell her that I think that would be one of the worst things that could happen right now. But I'm sure it wouldn't accomplish anything but hurt feelings.

I guess I should answer the phone sooner or later since putting it off will only make it worse. She'll start thinking I'm mad at her and then leave messages crying about why don't I love her. *sigh* Its like walking a tight rope.

Friday, April 21, 2006
And if you read that last post
then you will understand why I'm having major anxiety about this post.

My mother left on Sunday morning for Maine and I thought that was the last we'd see of them for a while. I was wrong. They called on Tuesday night and said they were going to stop back by on Wednesday morning on their way home. So they took Aiden and I out for breakfast.

Over breakfast they show me pictures of this house that they're buying on a lake in Maine. That's nice. I'm happy for them. Blah blah.

They then proceed to tell me that they've both applied for jobs up here again at their old work site. They're hoping to get them so they can move back up here. My mothers words were: We hope to move to Mystic, Stonington, or Groton. Close enough to see you regularly but not close enough to be annoying.

Personally, I feel that if they are closer than 4 hours away they are too close and are already annoying at 9 hours away right now. Those three towns are less than 20 minutes from my home. This makes me feel panicy. I'm not joking. I feel pressure in my chest and like I can't breathe. And now I want to cry because the thought is just unbearable to me.

But there is nothing I can do to prevent it. DH doesn't help, patronizingly saying that I should relax and it won't be that bad. I can't relax. I can only hyperventilate.

I know its not normal to feel so anxious about this but you see what its like when we mix. We're oil and water. Distance is good in our relationship. If I tell her that it would crush her and only make things worse. Maybe Beaner and her DH can pull some strings and make sure this can't happen since they've got connections at that site.

What do you say Beaner? For my sanity?

Lets start with my mother
We went out for breakfast with them last Friday morning. It went pretty well. My mother couldn't stay in her seat. She just kept hovering over Aiden's highchair. She asked if she could take him out and I told her that if he was content in there it was best to leave him there. But the hovering was annoying me so I told her go ahead. She takes him out and he starts getting annoyed and fussy. So he ended up back in the highchair in less than 2 minutes after she took him out.

The point of that story is that as his mother, I know best.

I had expected that my mother was going to be around on Friday to hang out and soak up some time with Aiden because that is all she ever talks about. So when I found out that they made plans to go out to lunch with some friends an hour away and then do some shopping I was a little annoyed. I'd planned to do some baking and prepping for Aiden's birthday party on Saturday and was hoping that she'd keep him occupied while I did stuff.

Fast forward to Friday night. We are kind of obligated to go to my brother's house for dinner. Aiden is in a terrible mood. He didn't take his nap that afternoon (he also didn't take his nap Thursday afternoon either) so he was crabby. He gets thrown off when strangers try to feed him. Meal times are already somewhat difficult lately so add into the mix a big dose of overtiredness, the loudest voice known to man (my SIL), and my stupid mother and you've got yourself an unpleasant situation.

DH decides to let my mother feed him and disappears to go be with the men doing guy stuff. Aiden is getting very worked up and not eating like he should. He wouldn't even eat his chicken nuggets which are his absolute favorite. My mother concludes that he's not hungry. I assure her that he is hungry he's just upset. She then goes on a rant that sometimes babies appetites change and I shouldn't force him to eat when he isn't hungry. He is just inconsolable and I feel very tense and anxious when he is like that. So I say to myself that we will take him home after he is done eating.

That was the wrong thing to say. My mother starts with the water works - I never get to see him. You don't need to be so rigid and stick to your schedule. Why can't you just be flexible and allow him to stay and visit? I travelled all this way to see him and you won't let me spend any time with him. *ROLLING EYES*

As you can imagine the rage was running through me. But I think that I handled myself very well. I said that she should look at him and see how tired and upset he is. Why should I allow him to suffer like this when I know that taking him out of this situation would appease him? She said well if he is tired I can just rock him to sleep on my shoulder. I told her no, if he is going to sleep it will be in his crib. She said can't you just let me try? I told her no, I'm not discussing it. I'm not going to let him fall asleep on her in this loud environment (there were a lot of people there, it was a dinner party) and have him not get restful sleep. Then we'd have to wake him to put him in the car, bring him home, and wake him again to get him changed and into bed. We live 5 minutes away, we should just bring him home!

So after I put my foot down she tried to run away to go pout and cry. I wouldn't let her leave. This is exactly what I said to her: "Don't you go running away and crying and not speaking to me like a baby. Sit down and finish this discussion with me. We are having a disagreement. Stay here and talk to me and lets resolve this." For cripes sake, Aiden acts more mature than she does. So she stayed and said that she has experience and its good for something. I agreed that she had experience but I do too and my experience isn't 26 years old, I know him and his needs best. I will not tolerate her questioning my decisions and thats it. Period. No more discussion.

So we ended up leaving at 8 pm. That is a half hour after he should have been in bed. Oh and I made Chris come up and finish feeding him and once my mother left the room he ate his whole dinner. It was against my better judgement to keep him up past his bedtime but I allowed it to appease her. We left with him screaming and crying from being so overtired. I hope she was happy. BEOTCH!! Also, I felt a little like she could care less about his needs. She is so selfish like that. Make him suffer as long as she gets what she wants.

He was crabby and overtired for his birthday party the next day. For that I blame my effing mother. Wouldn't you?

Thursday, April 20, 2006
Just a quick post
I don't really have time to write right now since Aiden dropped to one nap a day. I feel like my time is even more limited and valuable so I don't get on here and write like I should. I really wish I could allow myself a few minutes to write though, because things are piling up in my head and I definitely need to get them out here for my own personal therapy.

So this is a placeholder to remind myself to write about my mom and her last visit (of course there was a fight), her future plans (they scare the crap out of me), and the current Aiden situation (down to one nap, food difficulties, and weaning). All of these things are just stressing me out and to be honest I'm really depressed. (great now I've started crying)

I feel like I'm in the same place I was emotionally a year ago. So down, weepy, moody, and just sad. I definitely need the support of my friends right now, so just give a shout out if you can and let me know that I'll get through this.

Thanks everyone.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Happy Birthday to My Big Boy!
Happy First Birthday Aiden!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006
A post from Aiden
Aiden just wanted me to give a shout out to Anthony for him.

Hey Anthony,

Happy First Birthday buddy and many more to you!

Your pal,

Monday, April 10, 2006
One of those proud moments
My son has learned how to pick his nose.

Crawling was nice. Cruising on furniture, woo hoo! Heck, I'm sure walking will be fantastic too. But learning to pick his nose, that is something that will help him really excel in life.

I'm so proud!

Sunday, April 09, 2006
And then I panic
It finally happened. It was bound to sooner or later, right?

Aiden's first fall which drew blood. I've been kicking myself over and over about it.

I wasn't paying enough attention and he caught his leg in the strap of his booster chair which I was letting him play with. It was like slow motion, tumbling forward right into the coffee table at my sister in-laws house. I picked him up and he clung to me so tightly, crying his head off.

It is such a great feeling to be needed and to give comfort but at the same time I'd give that up to never see my baby hurt ever again. It took a few minutes to notice but he hit his gum right above his front tooth and it was bleeding profusely.

He seems to be better now so thankfully there is no lasting harm. I was worried that he might have knocked his tooth that is coming in a little loose. DH said to give him a cracker to chew on to see if it hurt him. I asked him if he was insane. Would he like to chomp on something hard after getting knocked in the teeth? Anyway, some tylenol and orajel and he is a new baby.

Thursday, April 06, 2006
I need serious help
Someone needs to figure out a way for me to exercise my brain to make it function properly again.

I just went into the kitchen to heat up lunch and found the front burner of the stove on. Its been on since I made Aiden scrambled eggs this morning at 8 am. The pan wasn't on it thankfully. But we went to playgroup this morning at 9:30. Anything could have happened.

I suck. I don't want to tell my husband because this is like the fourth time in a matter of months.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006
I'm leaning towards no
I'm thinking maybe I'm just jumping the gun with my assumption. Its probably nothing.

Its not exactly like last time. But I feel differently than normal so who knows. I guess I still don't have a normal yet.

Lets not get too excited, its still a ways away until my period is due.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Something is different
I've been through this before so you'd think I would be able to tell for sure.

But I guess we'll just have to wait a week or so and see.

Happy April
I think April should be re-named Month To Get Your Butt In Gear and Do Something. Or do you think that is too long?

We had a very productive weekend and now I'm totally exhausted. I never knew how tiring it was to not sit around reading books, blogs, and drinking beer all weekend. (see how I did that with the 3 b's? pretty clever huh?)

So my mission was to paint my front door and replace the outside light fixture. I thought it would be an easy peasy weekend project. Well, it is actually but not when your husband decides that he would like to clean out/clean up the office aka the room that catches all our crap. (everyone has one of these rooms, don't deny it, you do)

The spic and spanning of the office somehow morphed into moving the furniture around which meant that everything that was in the office is now strewn around my kitchen, dining room, and living room. Moving the furniture gave us the idea that now we have more room and hey maybe we should convert half the room to a playroom for Aiden.

To make this very boring entry very exciting I will liven up the rest of it here:

Me: We should get a shelf with like cubbies! Then we could put his stuff IN the cubbies. Then we should get those foam alphabet tiles for the floor because how cute would that be?

DH: We don't have a lot of money is it cheap?

Me: Sure. Lets look at Walmart, that place is cheap.

We go to Walmart. Don't have the stuff. Go to Benny's. Don't have the stuff. Then drive 30 minutes to Toys R' Us who had the tiles (which I knew all along so shouldn't we have saved ourselves the hassle and just gone there?). Then went to Target to get the shelf (which I knew all along.....gone there?).

DH: bang bang bang (setting up shelf)

Me: paint! paint! paint! (finish one side of door and decide I'm so sick of painting now)

Aiden: I don't want to nap! *whine* I'll help Daddy by opening and closing the office door 10 gajillionmillion times.

In the end the door was done. The light fixture was changed. It looks kewl.

The play area is semi done. The crap in the office is still strewn about my house. I have no energy left to sort/toss/clean it. Maybe we'll save that for next weekend. Then I'll come back here and tell you all about it. I know you're looking forward to it.